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Hi. I'm Joy from ComfyTown Chronicles. Breaking Mom-ish. Weird kids, day drinking, cussing, binge eating and other things I won't go to meetings for. I'm bringing COMFY back...to an uncomfy world.
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Lola's Mood Swings
BOY Mom?
My teenage son, Tinny, will be 18 this summer. The BIG 1-8. (Yes, yes it
is freaking my sh|t out, thank you for asking.) He is on track to graduate
high school and will take courses at a fantastic community college.
Whether he goes on to a university, a promising career, gets married or ever
has children, and/or whatever else life can throw at him, I consider my job
as parent to this person to be a SUCCESS. He is alive, healthy, and despite
many obstacles along the way, a polite, considerate, interesting, funny,
creative, open-minded good person who is great to be around.
As a parent: I win. Where’s my medal?
What do you mean ‘What about my other kids?’
Oh yeah.
Them.
A few years ago, the success I had raising my son went to my head and I got
the crazy idea I should have MORE kids. When I was pregnant, I tried to do
that thing all pregnant people are supposed to do when asked if they want
girls or boys, I’d say, “Oh we don’t care, as long as he’s healthy.”
Not a type-O. I mean come ON, anyone who has spoken to me for more
than a minute knows I’m a tomboy from way back. I grew up with my
older and younger brother always around, my
‘Let-me-hold-you-down-and-dangle-spit-over-your-face-and-don’t-wiggle-
because-that-makes-it-fall’ brothers, and
“Name ten beers and THEN I’ll stop punching you” brothers.
I know how boys think, I know what makes them tick. I already had a boy,
it was the hardest thing I ever had to do to raise him and keep him from
hurting himself (and others) and become a healthy, happy person. I loved
every painful minute of it. I’m a BOY Mom. I know all the Star Wars movies
by heart. The Universe would never be so cruel as to rely on ME to raise
girls. Psscht.
Yeah, you guessed it. I had a girl.
My first girl, Lola, just turned 3. She was a colicky baby, and so far is a
wonderful, whiny, overly emotional DRAMA QUEEN girl. Oh well, we
thought, she’s adorable let’s have another. We are old and I don’t see us
playing freeze tag ever so, yeah, what the heck? Let’s give her a playmate.
And what did we get?
Another GIRL.
(If there is a higher power, she has a wicked sense of humor.)
What’s the big deal, you might ask? Well you obviously have no idea WHO
we are talking about here.
Not only am I the raised-with-boys girl who actually understands what
1st and 10 means in football and the difference between the American
League and the National League in baseball, I also love Science
Fiction and I signed up for A+ and MCSE (Microsoft Certified Software Engineer)
certification classes, I aced them and debated Kirk vs. Picard as Star Trek
captains, making my computer teacher say “Ah, NOW I get why you are
here.”
Anyhoo, between growing up with my dad and brothers, and hanging out
with a lot of dude friends over the course of my life, being around all that
testosterone I never developed normal girl skills. Take for example, the
ability to feel feelings and deal with them before they build up and explode
all over the people around me like a volcano of insanity.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5DXb8qBUeAM
Like a Vulcan (Star Trek,) I have intense emotions, but I have learned to stifle
them and ignore them before they have a chance to get comfy, so it has
always been difficult for me to even admit when things bother me. This is
not a good thing. Things tend to build up and manifest themselves in a very
ugly way.
When guys, or girls, do this, they are usually not doing it on purpose.
Often they don’t even realize they are doing it, this is a product of their
environment. If you have a Significant Other who does this, stick with
them, some people are worth it. It is very hard to get over this conditioning.
It took years of therapy for me to even acknowledge my own feelings
INSIDE my own head, much less try to express them to someone else and
then work out a compromise about whatever it is that bugs the crap out of
me on a daily basis. Luckily, I found someone in my life who did the same
thing, and helped me work through some of this.
Now imagine someone like that having to raise an overly emotional girl.
Every little struggle, every little drip-drop of emotion, becomes a huge
raging waterfall. As a parent we never want to see our children sad or
crying, but as an infamous emotion-stifler, I feel like one of those guys in
high school who date the annoying girl they can’t stand, just because they
can’t bring themselves to break up with her.
It’s clear to me that my emotional development stopped somewhere in the
early teens, because my initial reaction to things? Is similar to a pre-teen.
I have to stop and remember all that therapy before say, keying someone’s
car, and then be able to handle a situation like an actual adult.
Lola’s emotional roller coaster used to render me almost immobile. A few
times, I literally would look to my husband and ask “What should I do
here?” I knew my initial reactions were wrong. I mean, how affective would
keying a Cozy Coupe be as a parenting method? I’m guessing not very.
Though she might think it was awesome and join right in.
Reacting to (or NOT reacting sometimes) this very emotional little girl took
some MAJOR getting used to. I trained myself to wait, just let her get the
worst of it out, then comfort her first and deal with whatever it is AFTER
acknowledging her feelings. That is mostly what she needs, attention and
my comfort. Then she can move on.
Sometimes I am in awe at the ease of which my Lola allows herself to
feel her feelings, and openly express them. Sometimes at MAXIMUM
VOLUME. The good thing about that? Is when she does get what she needs
from us, she is quickly over it, whatever it is at that time. She vents her
rage, her frustration, her fear, her EVERYTHING, and she is quickly able
to move on to the next emotion. Which is usually a happier one. Sometimes
it’s scary how quickly she can change her mood. I am hoping this is just a
toddler thing.
During one of her episodes, when she wasn’t ready to be comforted yet, I
took my waiting time to make this. It was very effective for me.
The speed at which her negative emotion is replaced by something positive
makes me think: Maybe she is onto something here.
Perhaps if we allow ourselves to actually explore what we are feeling,
then express it (like adults, for us adults) then we will be able to move
past whatever it is and let GO of our anger, frustration, all the negative
emotions, and make room for the positive ones. Mayhap we should ALL
just give in to our emotions, feel them, express them and allow the next
feeling in. It sure beats waiting for the crazy.
So I am taking my journey with girls like a 1970’s TV show: One day at a
time. Though, deep down I weep for my girls’ teen years, when I won’t be
able to help them pick out flattering outfits, which shoes go with what skirt,
or how to get a boy to notice you, because I never gave a hot sh|t about any
of those things.
And also? Thinking about that, and girls who think about that kind of
crap, makes me want to violently barf. The only thing that keeps me from
freaking totally out about this, is we have a huge family. I have 2 girly
sisters and 3 girly nieces and my Diane-in-law is pretty great. Diane is my
father-in-law’s girlfriend, and I always think it’s quicker to just call her my
Diane-in-law, but then I have to explain it so did I really save myself any
time? No, no I never do.
>Hope you all enjoyed!
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