Saturday, May 12, 2012

Here We Go....

So the packing is done, and today is moving day.  Wouldn't you know I could not sleep! 4:15 am? Really? When I only went to bed at 12ish? Oh well, let's get this day started with a good old fashioned soul cleansing blog!
   I fell good about our move to Kentucky.  This move brings with it a lot of firsts for me.  The first time I will have lived out of state away from my family.  The first time I have lived away from my husband's family.  The first time I will live in a house that my mother has not visited.  The first time we have rented a semi-sized moving vehicle(from Rider no less, because U-Haul pissed us off last fall!)  The first time my family and I will be able to focus on just us, instead of taking care of everybody else.  A lot of firsts.
   My family was super close knit growing up.  My husband's family is super close knit now.  I am a caretaker, and I have turned my husband into one.  I was the one that was there almost every hospitalization to visit and cheer my mother up.  I was the one who was her biggest cheerleader, and her best friend.  There were many things she could only share with me.  Her hopes, dreams, fears, exhaustion, depression, and girl talk.  I am so very glad that I have the wonderful, caring, generous husband that I do, that spoils me and takes excellent care of me.  He allowed me to quit my job to be there for my baby and my mother, having no idea she would pass away a mere eight months later.  Those months and memories with my mother mean more to me than he could ever know.  Thank you honey! I love you more than words!
  He was the rock behind me, when I took charge after my mother died, like the strong women in our family have always done, to guide my broken family through the chaotic process when someone dies.  I am just like my mother.  A fixer, take charger, helper, listener, peacemaker, and caregiver. I have always taken care of everyone around me. She raised me that way, to be just like her. When she died, he cooked the Thanksgiving day dinner my mother and I had planned, a mere twenty four hours and fourteen minutes after her passing, for my broken family.  He suggested and executed the first WVU tailgate party without my mother, and he went with me and my family to the funeral home to make arrangements and pick out her casket.  He said no problem, when I needed to be there for my father. He was the rock for me to lean on when I broke down, after having to be the one to make the call to stop life support, when my brother and father couldn't.  He was the one who watched our daughter while I made the calls to let our family and friends know of my mother's passing.  After I was strong for everyone else, he was strong for me.  He held me in his arms while I poured out my grief.  He watched out daughter when I needed an afternoon or a day to huddle in bed and cry my eyes out.  He always knows what I need.  
  It has been five and a half months since I lost my best friend, my mother.  It is hands down the hardest thing I have ever had to go through.  My family has, often at times,  taken a backseat to my grief, as it has been so completely overwhelming and some days all consuming.  So I have realized that I will be OK without her physically in my life.  That in itself makes me cry.  There is no way around it, I just have had to go through it.  It sucks.  That being said, I am starting to emerge on the other side of the worst of my grief, and I know I will be OK.  I was a dutiful daughter, a best friend, a caregiver, and blessed to have been born my mother's daughter.  I was blessed to hold her hand the last two days of her life. I have done my duty.  I am tired.  But I would do it all over again in a heartbeat. I know I have an extra special angel in heaven that has my back! Love you mommy!
    So I am, in more ways than not, looking forward to our move.  There will be no more bi-weekly hospital visits.  No more putting on a brave and hopeful face, before crying on the drive home.  No more talking my mother into dialysis. There will be fun weekend visits and visitors.  There will be no more mother's days spent caring for my sick mother, and breaking down on the way home because there was nothing I could do to make it better.  There will be no more anticipating that four in the morning call, with horrible news of her heart stopping.  There will be memories every day of my wonderful mother, and sharing them with my daughter.  She is all around me.  I see her in everything. There will be new happy memories made in a happy place.  I am excited about the opportunity for new adventures together with my family.  I am excited about exploring.  I am excited about , for the first time in my life, focusing on me, my daughter, and my husband.  The last five and a half months have been brutal.  I am blessed to have the husband I do, because with everything we have been through, well, it would break most marriages.
   So today is moving day.  The last few hours on the last day, in the last house I have lived in, where there are memories with my mother. This Mother's Day, I will wake up in a new house, in a new state, without the heartbreak for my mother, but missing and fondly remembering my dear sweet mother. Moving is bittersweet.  My husband deserves this new opportunity. Everything happens at an exact time, for an exact reason. I am excited about our new adventure.  Now is our time! I will keep you posted on our wild and wonderful adventures in Kentucky!

Friday, May 4, 2012

Mommy Lesson # 36- The Plastic Devil and the Silver Lining

So letting my child wear roller skates in the house was not my brightest idea.  However tragic,  this story ended up having a silver lining. 
  The three year old had sat down on the couch in her roller skates to watch a Disney show.  I told her I was running to the potty and would be right back.  I quickly go to the bathroom, and I hear a crash.  I yell to my daughter,"Are you OK?" She says,"Yes Mommy, I just fell."  I respond,"Stay put until Mommy gets in there, I'm pulling up my pants now!"  In the forty five seconds it took to pee, it would figure something would happen.  So I flush and hear another crash and this time there is crying followed by a pain filled hysterical shout ,"MOMMY!"
  I go madly dashing the seventy-ish feet into the living room. Adrenaline and my child's blood is flowing.  I pick her up and sit her on my lap.  I ask her to let me see her teeth, since it's her mouth she is bleeding from.  I check the bottom teeth, and they are all OK.  I then gently press back her top lip, and her top lip is bleeding, as well as her two front teeth.  She apparently did a face plant, busted her lip, and shoved one tooth up into her gum, and the other tooth down a bit.  My initial response was,"Oh no, not her teeth!" (I sound just like my mother!) Then mommy mode kicks in. I get a washrag soaked in cold water for her to bite down on, and then calm her down.  I hold her until it stops bleeding.
  I then call my mother in law and my daddy to see if we should go to the Emergency Room or to a pediatric dentist.  I call my husband, who works an hour and a half away to let him know what has happened.(we are moving in two weeks)  Today, I am glad he works far away from me as he is furious, "why was she wearing roller skates in the house?" I know, I know, BAD MOMMY!
   So coated in my child's blood, off we go to the ER.  My MIL is driving, so I can sit in the back with my traumatized child.  So we get a chart, and go back to our room.  The nurse is a sweetie, and my daughter loves her.  The doctor sees her and decided to consult with a pediatric maxofacial surgeon.   My baby is so very good for the doctor!  I am so proud of her for being a brave girl! 
   She has to make a trip to the ER communal patient bathroom.  She gives me the play by play of her "big poopy is stuck and it's not coming ouuuuuut!"  So I decide to pee while we are in there.  The three year says "Mommy so you had to poop too huh?" very loudly among other topics of bathroom conversation  Did I mention that my three year old is a non stop talker?  Yeah, she's that kid.  Actual intelligent conversation for a three year old, but it never stops!  Just like her momma!  Upon emerging from the patient communal bathroom, everyone is staring at us laughing.  Everyone being the staff my daddy works with, patients, and paramedics.  A few even applaud.  So glad to bring a little laughter to everyone's day!(Awkward!)
  When the doctor returns, he  advises us that she will be fine, and nothing needs done to her teeth.  She is going to lose them in about a year to a year and a half anyway.  My dad, who works at this hospital, has since arrived, and is entertaining the three year old with balloon animals made of purple and blue rubber gloves, while we wait on the consult.  My daddy is very talented at balloon animals, especially sharks.  So screaming ensues. The ER loves us today!(we periodically visit my dad in the ER, and several nurses and docs remember the hilarious three year old.)
   I advise the doc that her binki hurt her mouth when she tried to suck on it.  He picked up my lead, followed along and said it could hurt her teeth, that she should not suck on it anymore! Yay doc!  So the silver lining to this tragic roller skating incident was that we did away with the binki.
   I have been trying everything to get her to give it up on her own.  Chewing "big girl"gum instead of having binki, limiting to only car and sleepy times, as I wean it away there is always some inevitable event or person that keeps her locked to the plastic devil.  She was down to sleepy time only, when daddy sabotaged my plan by letting her have it during cuddle or snuggle time.  ARGH! We have had the Binki Fairy conversation, that when she is ready, we will put her binkis in a basket on her nightstand and the BF will come and take them to the babies who need them.  The BF will also leave her a "big girl" present.  The times I have been prepared to handle a toddler breakdown, when she has lost her last  binki, and then found it at the last minute. I have endured endless bitching, moaning, and ultimatums about her still having her binki at three and a half from friends and family.  Hey, you know what? She doesn't have any other security item but her binki.  No blankie, animal, or etc.  But I have been ready for her to give it up for a while now too ! I want to scream at all the haters, it is me that has to deal with the fallout, not you!  Daddy has made it clear, I will be the ONLY bad guy, when I take it away.  No fair, why do I get to be the bad guy?   His opinion is that, when she gives up the binki, she will be growing up.  Hate to break it to you Mr. Enabler, she is growing up whether you like it or not!  Love you honey!  If any of you  binki-haters would like to volunteer, please step up!  Nasty facebook comments abound.  If you cannot say anything nice, don't say anything at all.  She is three, not five, like the other kids in the family, when they gave up theirs I want to scream! But I grin and shake my head, and utter the sweet little nothings of agreements and understanding. Like the peacemaker and Lady that I am.   Everyone is very outspoken in my family and extended family. I bite my tongue and smile.
   She asked if she could have it only twice, after the roller skating incident.  Once that night, and once the next afternoon at nappie time.  So we mourned for the binki, she and I.  She mourned for the binki, I mourned for her pain, and my baby growing up.  She cried a teensy bit, but the second time she asked, I again explained how the doc said no more binkis because they could hurt her teeth.  My daughter came out with the funniest response, at which I had to bite my tongue not to laugh .  "That stinkin' doctor!!!"  And with that, the binkis were gone, the doctor was the bad guy, not me, and the big girl era has began.  For everything there is a season, and a time for every purpose under heaven.  It was time. No one else's time, or by force.  Like I said, silver lining.