The ADD Housewife of Rural Iowa

Hiya Whipper Snappers! Today we have my blogging buddy Miss Sarah at The Sadder But Wiser Girl , featured as my guest blogger of the day! She keeps me in stitches on a regular basis, and her post today will have you cracking up! Luvya Miss Sarah!

Awhile back I was DESPERATE!  Desperate for some time away from blogging while I wrapped up a long term substitute teaching job.  Ginger came rushing to my aid and wrote me a great post that made a lot of people a little nostalgic for their high school prom.  Now I'm repaying the favor by writing a guest post for her.  I hope you enjoy it!


The ADD Housewife of Rural Iowa

He even has a Superman t-shirt.  He might as well wear it every day to work…

 

My husband, aka Evil Genius, works 4000 hours a week saving  the day pretty much every day.  He is an engineer for an agricultural company in Iowa, and apparently that's what they do.   Since he’s been on a couple of major projects at work, he gets up in the wee hours of the morning, drives an hour to and from work, and sleeps occasionally.  It makes sense that he’s a wee bit tired/grumpy/off his rocker these days. 
Meanwhile I’ve been a SAHM for a while other than a brief subbing job that I just finished.  Just because I stay at home does not mean 1) I have tons of time on my hands and 2) My house is neat and tidy.  This is because I am a horrible manager of my time.  I’m not a big fan of housework either, but I know when I just have to do it.  Time gets away from me and the next thing I know it’s after five and it’s time to get supper going.  Things get left undone and I feel horrible about this.
Yet I think that Evil Genius wonders what I really do all day while he’s gone, especially when he comes home to me not having done the things I SHOULD do.  I certainly don’t play video games like he does to pass the time.  He knows this.  But I wonder what HE thinks I do all day while he’s gone.  So naturally I wrote about, because that’s what I do.
(Keep in mind that no actual husbands were consulted for this post.  It’s all based upon a very scientific system that I use to surmise just what he’s thinking, called guessing.)

Wheeee!  Look at me!  This is what I do ALL DAY LONG…

 

*My day as I think Evil Genius probably sees it

I get The Professor up for school, then go back to sleep for the rest of the time he’s getting ready.
The Princess practices world domination while I doze on the couch.
The Professor heads off to school, I fall back to sleep.
I eat a well balanced breakfast of bon bons.
I play on the computer for 9 hours, telling everyone near and far about personal stuff I shouldn’t share.
I eat a snack-more bon bons.
I miss seventeen phone calls because I forgot to turn the ringer on my phone.
I laugh maniacally at the dishes piling up in the sink.
Lunch is whole grain pasta with cheese (no one eats bon bons for EVERY meal).
Whoah, I’m eating again-even more bon bons.
I play My Little Ponies and Hello Kitty legos with The Princess until the **cows come home.
I go diving in the mountain of laundry now residing in the living room.
I allow The Princess to run around like a wolverine all day, hair unbrushed, wearing only her underwear.
When The Professor arrives home, I give both kids large quantities of food so they won’t eat supper.
I plot the easiest and least exciting dinner ever, five minutes before Evil Genius arrives home.

Iron Maiden?  There are some strange things going on in my house…

 

How my day really goes

In the early, early, early morning I Iisten to Evil Genius's alarm go off 57 times.  I have dreams about smashing the alarm clock.
The Princess gets up at 6 am.  I tell her to go back to bed.  She comes in every five minutes wanting to know if it’s time to get up. I finally give in.
At 7 am I wake The Professor up for school.
I play a rousing game of “Please hurry up and eat” with The Professor.  He eats even slower.
I shove The Professor out the door and tell him to run so he won’t miss the bus.
I work on my blog, check social media, and look for a job.
I try to keep my eyes open as the same episode of Abby’s Flying Fairy School that has aired 5613 times   comes on.  AGAIN.
I put laundry in the washer, see the dishes in the sink and make a mental note to wash them later.
Macaroni and cheese is requested for lunch AGAIN.  Ok.
I conclude that Caillou really would be better off dead.
I work on my blog for a few minutes and check all my social media.
Once again I kick myself for not going to bed on time the night before, fall onto the couch and doze off. 
I make a foolish attempt to drag The Princess out for a walk. I remind her that when she’s five there will be no more stroller.  She's not buying it at all.
The Professor arrives home-healthy snacks are distributed.  This is when I realize that I never put the clothes in the dryer.
I work on all online stuff a little more.
I make a mad attempt at folding clothes.  They may or may not be put away.
I realize how close it is to suppertime and I finally start on the dishes.  I also try to figure out what we want/have ingredients on hand for supper. 
Evil Genius arrives home and I greet him with a smile and ask him how his day was.  There is incoherent grumbling and then he almost falls asleep in the chair with his laptop.  And here I thought love was dead…
So that’s what REALLY happens… Do you ever feel like you never get anything accomplished during the day?  Do you think your husband thinks you lay around all day eating bon bons?  Do you even know what a bon bon is?
*Remember my highly scientific system… guessing.
** Cows don’t actually come to your house in Iowa.  That only happens in Missouri.

Sarah The Sadder But Wiser Girl lays around the house in her pajamas and eats bon bons all day. She also writes a blog, which severely cuts into her bon bon eating time.  Visit her blog at http://sadderbutwiser.wordpress.com and maybe stage an intervention on the whole bon bon eating thing.  She’ll thank you later.

Oh, she’s also a pretty pretty princess…


Thanks a bunch Miss Sarah! Be sure to give her some love, and follow her at

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Tattler Thursday #9

 

 

Hi guys and gals! It's Tattler Thursday here at W3G again! Welcome back! Got your funny kid stories ready for me? Today is the day where parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles, babysitters, friends, cousins, or anyone with an awesome kid story can let down their hair and share! ...I love kids and I love kid stories! I created this event so that we could all take a minute out of our busy days and share a story and giggle at a few others! There is no purpose other than to have fun sharing war stories from in the trenches parenthood! Life is too rough and crappy some days, that we just all need a little place to go and read something to make us smile! This is my attempt to brighten your day and mine! Anything goes, gross, gooey, sticky, funny, scary, crazy, pull your hair out wild kid stories! Even funny stories from when you were a kid! So it's that time again, time for all you adults to tattle on your kids! So ready...set...GO! Time to tattle tell! Happy tattling! I cannot wait to read all of your great stories!

 

Top 42 Things I have Learned So Far From Breaking My Leg

1. Broken Legs hurt.  A lot.
2. A broken parent must remain calm in an emergency, so as not to incite hysteria in her offspring.
3. That my mother was right.  There is nothing like the sound of hearing your own bone break.
4. When you break your leg, you still have to be the MOM, and deal with the emotional fallout.
5. How to walk on "crotches" as my 4yo pronounces it.
6. What the term "non weight bearing" means.
7. That no drug store is open in the Outer Banks past 8pm.
8. The amount of pain I can handle, that is not female or baby related.
9. Good pain medicine makes me nauseous.
10. Anti-nausea pills are approx 6 bucks apiece, and for large quantities, must be pre-approved by my insurance.
11. Seriously? I got an obnoxious amount of pain pills, but the nausea pills are the ones that need pre-approved?
12. Discovering immediately how to booty scoot up the stairs backwards(closely resembling a backwards crab walk).
13. Remembering the long ago forgotten childhood skill of "bumping" down the stairs on your booty(while a second party elevates injured leg).
14. How to push myself in a wheelchair.
15. How to not forget to set the brakes on your wheelchair.
16. How to navigate from wheelchair to crutches to bathroom, all the while squeezing like crazy, because you can no longer run when you really have to pee, and hoping and praying you make it in time.  Then when you make it, you have to balance your crutches so they do not fall over out of your reach, tug down your britches, elevate your leg/brace, all while balancing precariously on your one good leg, while you balance on the walls or sink and lower yourself onto the said bathroom device.
17. How in all the madness of #11, not to get your britches stuck in your leg brace, or caught on the toilet seat.  Like wise, when standing up, not flipping the toilet seat up with you, because your pants/panties are stuck on or under it, while trying to stand on one foot, lift yourself off the pottie, etc.
18. How to not let the brace fall down your leg into the floor, while attempting #s 11 and 12.
19. That it is much safer to navigate or be navigated through any doorway or bump backwards, so as not to have a heart attack at the moment when the wheelchair stops and pitches forward.  That is if you don't actually get dumped out.
20. The patience and absolute fearful trust relationship that you must have with anyone that pushes you in a wheelchair.
21. The art of scoot pulling your self across the floor, to a couch or chair, and pulling yourself up into the chair with your arms and one good leg.
22. How not to take a painful backwards Lipton Ice Tea Plunge fall, from losing your balance on the crutches. (Note to crutch users; pissed off and in a hurry don't work well with crutches!)
23. How to turn tight corners, work both wheels at once, and spin in circles in a wheelchair. (Admit it, if you've ever been confined to or had to use a wheelchair, you've tried it too!)
24. Crutches become your hands and feet. (You need to reach that tennis shoe? No problem, let me stick my crutch in it or through the loop and grab it for you!  That door needs closed? Let me use the top of my crutch here and lasso it to pull it shut for you.)
25. Crutches and stairs are a combo that I will not ever willingly try. (example...to get up the one steep step into my house, I hopped out of the truck on my one good foot, hop, hop, hop, hop/turn around, land in wheelchair.  I than was wheeled down our long sidewalk to the step up to the four foot long porch, leading into our house.  We pulled the wheelchair up to the step, locked the brakes, I put good foot up on the step, and my husband and father cross grip pulled me up to standing.  I then crutched it into the house. To go back out to the doctor the following day, I was wheeled out to the edge of the porch step. locked the brakes, put my foot down on the ground, slid out of the seat, and stood up with my crutches.  My dad then brought the wheelchair down from the porch, sat me in it, and wheeled me to the truck.) Navigating stairs with crutches scare me.
26. That you will get a mental workout from having to figure out how to best get yourself, your hardware, and your broken leg into a car or truck, without A-bending the leg, B-smacking it on the side of the car because you over or under shot the angle, and see how best to accommodate your leg for propping up, so as not to swell on all day return car trips from vacation! 
27. Shower seats never fit in regular size bathtubs facing forward.  
28. How to take a sideways shower, while figuring out how to not move the leg that your actually not suppose to have out of the brace for a shower, but you cannot stand to be dirty, so your doing it anyway, while you are desperately trying to bring your other leg up into a squat position on the edge of the tub, so that you can wash your girl bits. Yup exposed to the world is how.(Sorry for the disturbing mental image that is flashing through your mind right now!)
29. Handicap hotel room shower accommodations are the bomb!
30. After 3 days, you will do anything for a shower!
31. Museums are the perfect thing to do when you break your leg!
32. To do dishes, you stand on your one available leg, speed wash all the dishes you can until your leg starts to hurt, and feels like it's going to give out, then push through a few more dishes, come on girl you can do it, then collapse back into the wheelchair to rest for a few minutes, and prop your injured leg up. Repeat. Collapse. Prop. Repeat. Collapse. Prop.(until dishes are done).
33. Your everything north of the broken leg will ache! 
34. Your other leg will get buff, and you will wear one half of your new tennis shoes out by the time your leg heals.
35. The entire foot and leg will swell bigger than you ever thought possible. Yes your toes can turn blue!
36. If ever there was a time you needed your spouses phone to work and be charged, it will not be the one time you actually need them!
37. You can convalesce anywhere! Even at the beach!
38. Leg braces are a pain in the patootie!
39. Ice actually feels good on a swollen leg that is broken! Who would have thought?
40. The outpouring of love and help that is given and offered is overwhelming!
41. I am reminded again, how much I love my husband, "In sickness and in health..."
42. That my 4yo is an awesome and willing 'mommy's little helper'.