The Redneck Sunbather

I woke up earlier than usual this morning.  I had to go to the bathroom.  I tiptoe down the hall, so as not to wake any of my sleeping family. I do this in the hopes of going to the potty in peace. Peace being no one sitting on my lap wanting to snuggle, or chatting me up while perched on the edge of the bathtub. On my approach to the bathroom, I see something on the linoleum floor up ahead, in the bathroom.  At first I think it is a piece of lint from the dryer.  The dryer is beside the bathroom door, and I use the bathroom trashcan as the lint discarding receptacle.  So I figured it was a stray piece of lint from last nights laundry. Upon further inspection, being the bug Nazi that I am, I discover it is a creepy crawly on its back. Shiver
  Yes this little critter was just hanging out, in my bathroom, doing what equates to bug sunbathing.  The bathroom light is the only one that is left on at night. I am assuming that is why it was drawn to the bathroom.  Now I am unsure as to the species of creepy leggy thing that is soaking up my fake bathroom "sun" at this point. 
   For those of you oldies but goodies, you are well aware of my spider phobia.  For those of you just tuning in, I HATE siders.  Big, little, teeny, ginormous, hairy, fangy, colorful, sneaky, surprise attack ones, I HATE them all equally.  I will scream like a little girl and run as fast as I can to escape their clutches.  SO anyway, I hate all bugs.  Not as much as spiders, but I hate bugs.  I am an indoor type of girl.  The kind that prefers resorts to camping, and chlorinated pools to rivers and lakes. Ok got the picture? Okay good, lets continue.
  Okay where were we? Oh yes, the unwelcome sunbather.  So my adrenaline kicks in, and my heart starts beating fast as I grab a piece of art cardboard left over from crafting with the 4yo, to squish it with.  As I make my approach, I am aware of my body telling me this must be quick, because there are other urgent things I must attend to. Right. So I slam the paper down on the bug, and rub it around, to make sure it is squished.  Ugh, gross, yuck, but I did it! Go me!I was not prepared for what happened next.
   As I lifted the pink polka dotted cardboard, proudly prepared for squished bugginess, apparently I got a redneck bug.  The kind that says "Aw HELL no!"  It had grabbed onto the paper with its hairy little legs, and was prepared for takeoff when I lifted the paper.  It went all kamikaze and did a back one and a half flip in the air, landed on its feet, and took the heck off across the floor.  I was on its little bum quickly though, it didn't have a chance.  I clobbered it before it got out the door! This time I squished and squished and squished.  I finally heard a crunch and felt its body pop apart under the pressure of the giant hand that the was delivering the hairy little critters untimely demise. I was still crouched to strike again, if by some miracle of buggy fate, the little monster was still hanging on and planning another get away.  It was not to be so.  Its body parts were all separated on top of the pink polka dots. Point for silent Mommy.  Bad part is that I think it was a cockroach.
  My husband said it was a water bug, which upon looking it up, is a form of cock-a-roach.  Blek!  Gross. Nice try Hubbie the Dearest!  Did I really need to deal with this nastiness in the wee hours of the morn? I check around the floor to make sure there are no more intruders, and find none. So I triumphantly sit down to finish what I started, and start itching all over.  I am now scratching, and checking in my pajama pants, around my feet, on the toilet paper roll and holder, and even on the ceiling for signs of movement or more bugs.  Thank goodness there are none.  I finish up, wash my hands, and head back to bed, watching the floor as I go.  So I hop back in bed.  As I lay down, I am itching like crazy.  I am officially buggied. My husband asks what is wrong, and I tell him, which prompted the water bug response.

  So as I lay there itching, and wide awake way too early, I wanted to take a moment to thank my little unwelcome redneck sunbather for my case of the buggies.  I am itching, bug-weirded out, and oh I don't know, ITCHING! Thanks a lot! Hope you enjoyed the chase! And what was with sunbathing playing dead in my bathroom, because apparently there was not a thing wrong with you, you little redneck cockroach!