I was sitting at the table, at my computer, when in comes the 4yo. She is crying. I asked her what was wrong. She looks up at me, with big crocodile tears in those gorgeous, big blue eyes and kind of explodes into, "I miss my binki!" Followed by a tearful outburst, outreached arms and thumb sucking. I gather her into my lap, and rub her back as I snuggle her into me as tight as she would go. Only mommy can make this better. We are a big tangle of arms and legs and hair, rocking back and forth. I asked her what brought this on. She simply replied, "I just miss my binki, it was a good binki! I just miss it sometimes!" Okay.
Cue the Mommy guilt. She gave up her binki approximately eight months ago, a couple of months before she turned four. It was time. She has only had a couple of binki breakdowns since then, where she misses her best friend. Why as mothers, do we feel guilty over things that are inevitable? Why does everyone else presume to tell us when and where and how to make our children give up things? First the bottles, then the binkis, then they wipe their own hooches and dinky doos(can't say that I mind that one), then they start school. In my opinion our kids do not get to stay kids very long! Why, oh why must they grow up? Time for Mommy to cry. I will mourn her being a baby, and my little girl. On the first day of kindergarten, anyone in my way had better watch out. I will be the one walking blindly, in a haze of tears ,sobbing , back to my car. While she has a ball I am sure. I am tearing up just thinking about it. I cannot believe I am being a cry baby five and a half months before it happens. Hoooo Hooo, in and out, just breathe. AND don't think about it anymore!
As mommies we worry about every single little thing. Will this affect her when she grows up in her future relationships? Will she have separation anxiety when she starts school?(unfortunately I think this will be a resounding no) Will she be clingy as an adult because we took her binki away? Did we wait too long or did we take it too soon? Will she have an oral fixation because she had her binki to suck on until she was almost four? Will it cause her to smoke? Aaaahhhhh.
As a mom, I usually don't worry too much, I am a very relaxed, laid back mommy. This kindergarten thing has got me rattled. Sign up's are next month, and here I go again, tearing up just thinking about walking her up to the sign up table. It signals the end of my baby's true childhood, or being home with me hood, I suppose. It sucks. The BIG one. How am I going to get through sign up's without bawling? I apparently need a Xanax. I have had the privilege of staying home with my daughter the past two years. We are very close. I am very lucky, and forever grateful to Hubbie the Dearest for allowing me such a gift. Some days it drives me batty, and all I want is an adult for grown up conversation. Today apparently, I need pharmaceutical help to even think about signing my 4yo up for school, let alone starting on the first day.