Wednesday, March 19, 2014

The Rest of the Story: Hoochie Girl Edition

Hi there 'Snappers! I read a great article today from Kristen of Abandoning Pretense about shaving her Hooo-Ha. You can read her Mamapedia article here- The Time I Shaved My Hoo-Ha .

It is an awesome read about the post Hoo-Ha shaving itchies. In my personal experience, the first time is the worst.  I was also inspired to share with you, my personal hoochie girl shaving travesties.


                                                        ---PEE BEFORE READING---

Since I was a wee girl, I eagerly anticipated the day that I  could try the shaving acrobatics reserved for the grown up women who were "experienced" in such womanly rituals.  I longed to one day try shaving my pubic hair into the little strip, triangle, or tuft of the fancy, beautiful women of Cosmopolitan Magazine.  They all seemed so beautiful, and possessed of such an otherworldly knowledge of womanhood. As I read articles on makeup, eye cream and cleavage, all of which I had yet to experience, I dreamed of the day when I too would be in love or married and want to shape my pubic hair into a perfect little heart for Valentine's Day.  The manicured women of Cosmo seemed so beautiful, and as I imagined, held the keys to the secrets of womanhood.  Otherwise why would my mother read Cosmopolitan Magazine? (remember back in the 80's when there were nude women in the ads? Right!)

Fast forward to one day in my early twenties, I finally attained, in my mind, one of the greatest achievements in womanhood.  A perfect Pubic Hair Heart for my sweetie(now my hubbie) for Valentine's Day.  I was so damn impressed with my PHH, and because of appropriate fascination with and adoration of my attainment, I was late for our Valentine's Day date! (Thank goodness this was long before picture phones and social media! I might have been tempted! But there was no way I would take a picture, with a (gah!) camera, for fear that the wannabe photographers in the photo developing store would all get a rock off on my perfect heart, and show all of their friends! )

                     Because nothing says, 'I love you' like a pubic hair heart, am I right ladies?

I soon learned heart shaped maintenance was nearly impossible.  Try looking down, while re-shaving and shaping a heart upside down. Cosmo never mentioned the dizziness(from being upside down with your head in your groin area, requiring you to occasionally resurface for air), the contortionist positions required for said heart (think Hulk Hogan scrunching his abs, only bending a little farther over, with his muscles flexed and looking down with his legs spread), re-shaving razor burn or infected hairs.  Pffft! Or the razor slipping in the bubbles, resulting in a weirdo half heart with a chunk out, resembling a cartoon character! So I decided to shave it all!

I also experienced the itchies, but the first time is the worst! It was this style of grooming that suited me the most.  I have put myself through all of the awkward and uncomfortable in my quest for maintenance of the perfectly groomed puss. 

In the quest for gold of the hair-down-there-less, Pube Olympics, one must develop mastery of several skills.  The first is proper stretching before wielding the razor.  The Charlie horse is your enemy.  If one does not stretch and warm up the limbs before attempting some of the more difficult positions required for perfection , Charlie horses may occur and further extend or delay your mission.  Which in turn may further delay or result in cancellation of upcoming "events".

The second skill required is patience.  One needs patience in achieving grooming perfection.  There are may things that can go wrong.  Patience will assist you in defeating all of these. If one does not have patience and gets in a hurry, tufts are missed.  These so called 'tufts' are both embarrassing and infuriating. Have patience my friends.

Injury can also occur.  Trust me one does not want a hoochie girl injury inflicted with a razor.  You will be sidelined from any activities involving the hooch for a long time.  Permanent injury, although rare, is possible.  Again patience is a key factor in preventing injury.

The third skill required is courage,  Some are afraid to delve right into the nooks, crannies, folds, and creases in the quest for the perfectly de-nuded mound. One must not be afraid. Be comfortable with yourself.  There will be rearrangement of the lay of the land, and there will be pulling and tugging to reach that one last pesky unreachable spot.

One must have a strong stomach if patience is lacking.  This one time, in the shower, while on my quest......I cut myself.  And there was blood.  LOTS OF BLOOD.  EVERYWHERE! Thank God my mother was still alive at that time, because I had to call the wisest Cosmo woman I knew to ask life or death questions! How long would it bleed, would it heal, should I wash it, disinfect it, go to the hospital? Yes, when one shaves the top of one's aaaah you know, shall we say happy button, is a major emergency. I am happy to report that, I in fact, did not need stitches.  I am also happy to report that I had no permanent sensation loss, and the skin grew back.  Thank goodness for the restorative powers of the human body! No disfigurement, yeah! No frisky business for a long while, but no permanent damage! Pschew! Can  I just impart to you all the fear? FYI...bled like a head wound! And can you imagine if I had needed stitches, what exactly I would say to explain my predicament? And my daddy is an Emergency Room doc, so can you imagine the backlash? Doc Grandpa's kid sliced the top of her what off? Yeah, would have never lived it down.  Plus imagine all of the interns and residents wanting to "learn" from my injury.  Plus all of my dad's co-workers I had grown up with? Nightmare. Thank goodness that never happened!

Another obstacle that faces us, in our quest for gold, is growing bellies.  Whether pregnant or gaining a few pounds, the grooming becomes more difficult and requires greater skill.  One must discover and learn to utilize those eyes in the back of our heads, and how to concentrate on the task at hand with our eyes closed.  We must get in touch with our inner calm, and feel our way to our desired result, because seeing is not always a viable option, like it was in our younger and somewhat thinner youth. One must learn to work around whatever is in out path. There will be re-arranging of the lay of the land constantly in these challenging situations.  One must be comfortable in our every changing bodies, and adjust appropriately.

The next skill needed for the above situation, is deep breathing. Sometimes when rearranging the lay of the land, while on our landscaping quest, we lose our breath.  Deep breathing in situations where patience and hard work are required, are invaluable.

Waxing was never an option for me, as I am not into self inflicted, or salon inflicted pain to my nether regions. Aside from accidentally lopping off the top of my clit! Oy vey! Always been a do it myself girl, a self starter if you will!

Last but not least, the skill most needed to satisfy your quest for success in the Pube Olympics, is self satisfaction and self love.  If you are satisfied with your achievement, as you should be from all of the hard work that you have put forth, then you have attained your goal. Always love yourself, your creation, your design, and most of all your hoochie girl.  Do not groom to please a man.  Groom to please yourself.  If you heart your hoochie, so will everyone else! 

The truth is, men don't care what it looks like. Women are the ones that get all wrapped in the waxed, shaven, trimmed, and sculpted pubic design.  A hole is a hole! Doesn't matter how it's packaged, as long as it's clean! I will leave you with a quote from my EX-boyfriend from my college sorority days, "I appreciate your effort, but the nighty looks better on the floor, and you look better in my bed!"

Happy Hoochie Sculpting to everyone! Go forth and groom!


No comments:

Post a Comment