Saturday, June 30, 2012

Bible Belt Church Zombies

A couple of days ago, we went to the community pool in our new town for the first time.  After we slathered ourselves with sunscreen, we got into the pool.  We were not in the pool five minutes, when we were approached by a man and his five and a half year old daughter.  He took the older parent approach.  "Looks like I'm not the only parent around who waited until I was older to have kids!"  So it began.  Pulled chatty me right into conversation.  I was in pool mommy mode.  Correction, WV pool mommy mode, back home where things are normal.  I disclosed we had relocated recently, and BAM! He went into zombie church mode. Before the third sentence came out of his mouth, he asked if we had found a church yet. Fell for it hook , line, and sinker. "no, we haven't," I replied. So he launches into his spiel, about how they were faithful church members to a southern baptist church with a Sunday attendance of 1200, until they moved, and now they go to a very conservative baptist church(insert church advertisement here)with a Sunday attendance of wait for it...400 members!!!  I don't know about you, but I would rather know my pastor personally!
   The next thing that happened was hilarious.  His precocious five year old asks,"What's that thing in your tongue?" I answered, "a tongue ring, it's a ring in my tongue!"  She then showed me her earrings. She said," these are my earrings, they are rings in my ears!" So sweet! The church zombie immediately drifted to the other end of the pool with his "conservative"self and his five year old.  My husband was trying his hardest not to burst out in a fit of laughter.
   A couple of things strike me.  The man did not ask us our names.  He felt free to ask all about our religion, but did not want to know our names.  Doesn't that strike you as a little zombie-ish?  Must find new church members.  Grunt. Smile.  Next they will be eating out eyes out. Bah ha ha ha!  Also recently on the rise spotting of Zombie Response Unit Vehicles in Kentucky.  And Zombie hunting permits.  THEY ARE EVERYWHERE!  Just like the overzealous church solicitors, they are all out to get you!
   After his shock wore off, the zombie church solicitor once again picked up his mission, and as we floated around the pool, could be heard going into his sales pitch at least three more times, while ignoring his child!  Who, by the way, had just learned to swim.  I don't know about you, but I am wherever my kid is in the pool, as she has not learned to swim completely yet.  He was with his child at the beginning, but as he got preoccupied in his spiel, completely lost track of his child.  I NEVER lose track of my child! My child comes first, period.  So again I ask you, seem a little odd? To me, and maybe it's just me, call me crazy if you want, but it seems a little mindless, church-zombie-ish to me.  That is all.

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