Saturday, May 12, 2012

Here We Go....

So the packing is done, and today is moving day.  Wouldn't you know I could not sleep! 4:15 am? Really? When I only went to bed at 12ish? Oh well, let's get this day started with a good old fashioned soul cleansing blog!
   I fell good about our move to Kentucky.  This move brings with it a lot of firsts for me.  The first time I will have lived out of state away from my family.  The first time I have lived away from my husband's family.  The first time I will live in a house that my mother has not visited.  The first time we have rented a semi-sized moving vehicle(from Rider no less, because U-Haul pissed us off last fall!)  The first time my family and I will be able to focus on just us, instead of taking care of everybody else.  A lot of firsts.
   My family was super close knit growing up.  My husband's family is super close knit now.  I am a caretaker, and I have turned my husband into one.  I was the one that was there almost every hospitalization to visit and cheer my mother up.  I was the one who was her biggest cheerleader, and her best friend.  There were many things she could only share with me.  Her hopes, dreams, fears, exhaustion, depression, and girl talk.  I am so very glad that I have the wonderful, caring, generous husband that I do, that spoils me and takes excellent care of me.  He allowed me to quit my job to be there for my baby and my mother, having no idea she would pass away a mere eight months later.  Those months and memories with my mother mean more to me than he could ever know.  Thank you honey! I love you more than words!
  He was the rock behind me, when I took charge after my mother died, like the strong women in our family have always done, to guide my broken family through the chaotic process when someone dies.  I am just like my mother.  A fixer, take charger, helper, listener, peacemaker, and caregiver. I have always taken care of everyone around me. She raised me that way, to be just like her. When she died, he cooked the Thanksgiving day dinner my mother and I had planned, a mere twenty four hours and fourteen minutes after her passing, for my broken family.  He suggested and executed the first WVU tailgate party without my mother, and he went with me and my family to the funeral home to make arrangements and pick out her casket.  He said no problem, when I needed to be there for my father. He was the rock for me to lean on when I broke down, after having to be the one to make the call to stop life support, when my brother and father couldn't.  He was the one who watched our daughter while I made the calls to let our family and friends know of my mother's passing.  After I was strong for everyone else, he was strong for me.  He held me in his arms while I poured out my grief.  He watched out daughter when I needed an afternoon or a day to huddle in bed and cry my eyes out.  He always knows what I need.  
  It has been five and a half months since I lost my best friend, my mother.  It is hands down the hardest thing I have ever had to go through.  My family has, often at times,  taken a backseat to my grief, as it has been so completely overwhelming and some days all consuming.  So I have realized that I will be OK without her physically in my life.  That in itself makes me cry.  There is no way around it, I just have had to go through it.  It sucks.  That being said, I am starting to emerge on the other side of the worst of my grief, and I know I will be OK.  I was a dutiful daughter, a best friend, a caregiver, and blessed to have been born my mother's daughter.  I was blessed to hold her hand the last two days of her life. I have done my duty.  I am tired.  But I would do it all over again in a heartbeat. I know I have an extra special angel in heaven that has my back! Love you mommy!
    So I am, in more ways than not, looking forward to our move.  There will be no more bi-weekly hospital visits.  No more putting on a brave and hopeful face, before crying on the drive home.  No more talking my mother into dialysis. There will be fun weekend visits and visitors.  There will be no more mother's days spent caring for my sick mother, and breaking down on the way home because there was nothing I could do to make it better.  There will be no more anticipating that four in the morning call, with horrible news of her heart stopping.  There will be memories every day of my wonderful mother, and sharing them with my daughter.  She is all around me.  I see her in everything. There will be new happy memories made in a happy place.  I am excited about the opportunity for new adventures together with my family.  I am excited about exploring.  I am excited about , for the first time in my life, focusing on me, my daughter, and my husband.  The last five and a half months have been brutal.  I am blessed to have the husband I do, because with everything we have been through, well, it would break most marriages.
   So today is moving day.  The last few hours on the last day, in the last house I have lived in, where there are memories with my mother. This Mother's Day, I will wake up in a new house, in a new state, without the heartbreak for my mother, but missing and fondly remembering my dear sweet mother. Moving is bittersweet.  My husband deserves this new opportunity. Everything happens at an exact time, for an exact reason. I am excited about our new adventure.  Now is our time! I will keep you posted on our wild and wonderful adventures in Kentucky!

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