So this morning has been eventful. My three year old and I, have so far, Mickey Mousekercised, made Play-Doh cupcakes, cakes, and icing, played doctor, called great grandma, tried on summer clothes(otherwise known as torture to a three year old), and had a kid directed ballet class(with lots of lifts and spinning). There has also been laundry done, sweeping, and a various other multitude of stay at home mommy duties. Just had to clarify that so you all don't just think that I play all day. For shame! So I remove the easter dress from the hanger, and try it on my little darling. It looks adorable! Just had to call great gramma and tell her. So as I am removing dress from child, talking to great gramma, and reach out and grab the hanger, I notice a ginormous bubble butt spider, hanging out on the matching leggings that are still on the hanger. I scream like a little girl, while on the phone with great gramma, three year old asks what is wrong, I mentally resolve to act like an adult(for the benefit of the three year old), a not scared of spiders adult that can calmly handle the situation, and I quickly but gently hang the hanger back on the hutch door from which they came. Adrenaline is pumping, and I feel pressure mounting as I have to decide what to do with this spider. Keep in mind I have two witnesses. I calmly advise(a feat in and of itself)darling three year old, that there is a spider on her pants, to please stay away from it. I run to get a something to smoosh it with. I also advise mamaw what the heck is going on. She starts to laugh uncontrollably. So I get an allergy medicine box that is empty, and prepare to deal with the enemy.
For those of you who don't remember, I hate spiders. I hate spiders. I hate spiders. I do not discriminate. I hate big spiders, little spiders, bubble butt spiders, wolf spiders, teensy spiders, pregnant spiders that give birth when you squish them, spiders in my bathtub, spiders on my shower curtain, spiders that scurry across the bath room floor, spiders in my bedroom, spiders on the ceiling, spiders in the crack of the walls, spiders that sneak into my front door, and back door, spiders on me, my child, or my husband, and spiders in between the screens and windows of my house. I hate the white spider that has camped out above our sliding glass door, marathon spiders that just keep running, no matter how many times you squish them, spiders that silently drop onto your head or shoulder from trees, spiders who have spun their webs on my childs swingset, spiders in the dark that on your way into the house at night, scare the crap out of you, spiders that come into your house to stay warm in the winter, spiders that infiltrate storage boxes in the garage, sneaky hiding spiders, and especially spiders in the car. The ones that drop down from the ceiling of your car, always while in traffic, that make you scream and swerve, and pull over to escape fron your own car as quickly as possible, to survey the situation and decide how best to deal with said sneaky exhibitionist spider. Why? Why must spiders do that? I mean c'mon seriously? It's like they are saying,"look at me, BOO, here I am, Scared ya! Shaking my butt and little sexaaaaay legs in your face. Wait for it...Im going to drop on ya too! Booyah, scream-5 points, heart attack-10 points, getting away from the human to hide back under their seat where they can't see me, so I can do it again in ten minutes-priceless!"
So I knock the bubble butt spider off of the leggings with the empty medicine box. He falls to the floor, and starts to scramble away. The next surge of adrenaline kicks in, and I am suddenly the Exterminator Terminator. Fearless and brave in the face of such grave danger. I swoop in and squoosh the spider. I lift the box to see the bubble butt spider carnage, all the while praying that there would not be a hundred little babies scurrying about. It's not quite dead enough to suit the Exterminator Terminator, so I go in for another squish of such massive force that there could be nothing left but remains!
Great gramma got a good laugh out of our phone call this morning. She also offered the advice that if you can see the spider, it won't hurt you. It's the ones you can't see that will bite and our dangerous! Thanks Exterminator Terminator Emeritus!(see previous post for spider battling 76 year old) The three year old was very brave and gave me a high five after the spider obliteration.
People ask,"are you afraid of spiders?' So as not to seem like a fraidy cat, my reply is always,"no, I just don't like them!" YES I am afraid of them!!! I hate them! Why else would there be an adrenaline rush so strong that I could battle the Incredible Hulk and win? FEAR people, FEAR. It's totally irrational and I have gained some control over the spiders I can see beforehand and plan the attack. It's the suprise sneaky spiders that get me every time! If my husband is home, I ask him to kill the spider. The thing is, he's scared too, so we usally argue about whose going to kill it. He usually loses, and ends up killing it. I mean hey, it's worth enduring a little bit of bitching, to not have to deal with eight legged sneaky nasty, icky devil-insects that expel sticky webs from their butts. Moral of the story, showing three year old that you can be brave and face your fears.(After screaming like a little girl!)