My Traumatic Bathroom Catastrophe #169

Hiya Snappers! Merry Christmas Eve Eve everyone! Hope everyone is ready for the holidays! I myself still have 3 more things to get, and a few things left to wrap.  Then I am ready!  I thought I would share my funny story with you all today.  I have been super busy with life, homeroom momm-ing, PTO volunteering, coordinating volunteer readers for classrooms at my child's school, traveling, Christmas partying in northern Virginia, sightseeing in DC for the first time, seeing my almost 87 year old Nana to present her with her 50 year membership pin to the Order of the Eastern Star at my Uncle's installation as Master of his local lodge in Pineville, North Carolina, visiting family, shopping, playdating, cookie-ing, gingerbread housing, Frozen party at schooling, and a half billion various and sundry other things that occur in the daily life of a stay at home mom!  SO here goes the story about one of those such occurrences! Hope you get a laugh at my expense! You are welcome! Merry Christmas!

I am in the shower.  I , of course, cannot shower alone. There are multiple 6 year old interruptions.  First she talks to me.  Then she pulls back the shower curtain.  After telling her not to do that again, she then tries sticking something in the shower for me to see.  I have obviously forgotten, what it is like to have my child at home with me all day long, since starting the first grade in August.  I am thrown off from my normal shower routine and timeline.  I am busy thinking of all of the things I have to do today. I take my razor and lift my arm to shave my underarm, and when I go to make the first swipe across my pit, the razor flies past my pit and shaves of two big, long, ugly strips of skin from my chin. It hurt! A lot! I try and pretend that my chin is not bleeding.  As I feel it oozing down my chinny, chin chin,(or as Lil Pumkin Do says, "My Shinny, shin shin!") I open my eyes and peer down into the bottom of the tub.  Yep.  There is an amazing amount of blood pooling around the drain, slowly swirling with the water.  It looks like a macabre candy cane design.  Then in a strange, removed from the situation, as if in an opening scene from a  Stephen King movie kind of way, I realize in horror, that that is my blood.  TWO DAYS before Christmas festivities begin! Oh my WOW! Well, just...SHIT!

I cannot believe that I have just done this.  Right before Christmas! When there are so many pictures to be taken! ACK! So I then realize I only have to wash my face, because I obviously am having an airheaded day that does not need to involve using a razor kind of way, day! So hairy legs and pits, yeah, we'll just go with it! Le sigh! So I wash my face, and it burns like hellfire! As I rinse my face, I can distinctly feel where there once used to be pieces of me that are now gone! Ooww! It burns! As I watch the last of the blood swirl down the drain, I touch my face, trying to gauge how fast my chin is bleeding, to see if I need stitches or not.  I think we are okay to just swathe my face in band aids, and wait until the bleeding stops! I cannot believe I did this.  I amaze myself at times. SO I peek at my chin in the mirror.  Yep, just like I thought, no covering that one up! So I whip out the Mickey Mouse band aids, and go to town.  Ironically enough, one of the band aids says BAM! Oh so appropriate! And hilarious.  This is a goldmine in bad jokes waiting to happen! So I am just going to roll with it! So much for pretty perfect makeup for holiday photos! Good excuse to go makeup free, or opt out! Hah! Not happening! I am that annoying picture taker at EVERY family gathering.  Not likely that I will be allowed to opt out!

So by the evening, it finally scabbed over.   I now have to remember not to touch my chin. Because it hurts.  So here are a few not so random selfies, because I just had to share this with you all! At least it wasn"t my eye this time! Hahaha!

 

 

I hope everyone has a beautiful holiday, Merry Christmas, Happy Hannakuh, Happy Kwanzaa, or whatever holiday you celebrate or don't! Love you guys! Merry Merry!

 

 

 

 

The Poop Song

Tonight's tale is brought to you courtesy of my family's car ride home from the store the other night. It's gross, inappropriate, no one ever writes about it because it's a pain in the a$$ humor, so consider this your warning! Your welcome.

As we are starting to driving up the hill, to the mountain on which I live, it hits.  That almost uncontrollable, immediate urge, to go to the can.  The oopsie, I accidentally on purpose, mixed too many, one at time on my tummy, foods together during dinner.  The horror at the perfectly awful timing.  The saying a little prayer for my god to please, please, please let me get home and make it to the bathroom before my sphincter muscles give out.  The turning the AC off, because the cool air is making it harder to exercise the full squeeze concentration necessary to not have a full out explosion in the car. A full 5-7 minutes from the closest porcelain god.  UGH. Squeeze.

 So in noticing my turning green, and probably hearing my tum tum gurgling, a squirming then bracing myself of sorts in the car, and my audible oooohhhhh dear, that my family realizes my dilemma.  My back is arched, making me look like I am pregnant, arm is braced on the window, other hand on the steering wheel, head braced on the headrest, and the deep breathing begins. There is no way when dinner is trying so desperately to come out, that I can sit up and suck it all in, while squeezing the bottom muscles to keep that all in. Awkward! So I need immediate distraction.  I ask my daughter to sing.  About anything other than my current emergency situation. So Hubbie the Dearest finds the entire situation so amusing, he is overcome with an uncontrollable fit of giggles.  He then proceeds to start making up pooping songs.  The 5yo ignores him, while continuing her little ditty about trees.  Did I mention I was driving? Yeah...

So then my hubbie begins his non-cooperative making fun of mommy's pooping emergency stance, that in no way helps me stay calm, and breathe. He is determined to torture me in any way possible. If I start laughing, it's all over. He turns the AC back on, and lights on a rendition of 'Here Comes The Funk' that he is quite impressed with. After singing five different versions, here is the one he settled on.

Mommy has to poop, Mommy has to poop, Mommy has to poop,
Mommy has to poop, Mommy has to poop, Mommy has to poop.

Over and over and over.  Then the 5yo joins in.  Really? You just sang that in your head didn't you? The Poop Song! They are singing it in rounds, like at camp! Welcome to the antics of my hilarious little family. Please let me not laugh, squeeze, squeeze tighter, your almost home.  Ahh just a little bit longer, we are at the end of our road.  I start breathing like I am in labor.  Hee hee hooooooo, hee hee hoooo. Now deep breaths, deep breaths, we are just around the corner...turning into the driveway, almost there...almost there...awww crap, no, nooo, nooooo stop it body! Not allowed to auto relax upon making it to the driveway. Like my body has a 'just made it home' sensor.  Must be a subconscious thing! Just a little bit longer, please let me make the bathroom...squeeze, squeeze. Key out, inserted,  and the door is unlocked and open.  I bust through the front door like a bat out of hell barreling down the hallway to the bathroom, like a woman possessed.  I throw my britches to the ground, slide into the bathroom, and plop myself on the toilet, just as the explosion happens! And relax...check the panties...and we're good.  No accidents! Whoo hoo! Go Mommy sphincter muscles,go!  Good job ladies! Another one bites the dust indeed.  Or the watery grave anyway!

Aaand I am happy to report , I got to poop alone. Even if this was the beginning of the Kindergarten Krud.