Afraid

I am afraid.
I am afraid to call. 
I am afraid of what I will hear. 
I am afraid of losing her. 
I am afraid to confront my grief.
I am afraid of being alone.
I am afraid of asking someone to be with me because I will have to explain. 
I am afraid she won't make it until the weekend, when I can go to her.
I am afraid she will go before I get to her, but maybe it's better if I don't.
I am afraid that my last visit with her, was my very last.
I am afraid to tell my baby, she's already lost my mom at the tender age of 3.
I am afraid.

I am afraid.
I am afraid of waiting any longer to call. 
I am afraid of waiting.
I am afraid of waking them up, when they all desperately need sleep.
I am desperately afraid to lose the woman who helped me pick up the pieces after my mom died.
I am afraid I will forget.
I am afraid I will not be able to convey her wonderful life and legacy of love in her eulogy.
I am afraid that I don't want to let her go.
I am afraid of life with out her in it.
I am afraid of losing the last person in my direct lineage that has been there for every single moment of my life.
I am afraid.

I am afraid.
I am afraid of losing my second mother.
I am afraid of losing the last person who knows all the moments of my deceased mother's life.
I am afraid of losing my last grandparent.
I am afraid of losing one of my very best friends.
I am afraid of having one less person who loves me unconditionally in the world.
I am afraid of losing the last living piece of my mother.
I am afraid to lose one of the last living pieces of my childhood.
I am afraid that all the dead relatives she is seeing are real.
I am afraid for her, as is she, that when she goes to bed that it will be the last time she lays her   
head down to sleep in this world.
I am afraid that when I spoke to her yesterday, that it will be the last time.
I am afraid that when she told me goodbye yesterday, that she meant it.
I am afraid that she knows.
I am afraid to lose my Nana.
I am afraid.