Monday, September 9, 2013

A Letter to the Moms Who Didn't....

Dear Moms Who Didn't,
  I am a mother of a beautiful, smart, fun, energetic, loves to learn, and loves school good girl. I am so very proud of her bravery and resiliency this past four days. I am so very proud of her. I am writing to you today, to beg you to have those uncomfortable conversations with your sons. My daughter has lost a piece of her innocence that she will never get back, due to the uncomfortable conversation you did not want to have or did not think was necessary yet with your son.

  My daughter, my little sunshine was sexually harassed this past week at school by a boy in her class who sits beside her. I found out that she has a photographic memory when she traced his name in the air for me while she was seeing that name tag, that will forever be emblazoned in her mind. She was scared to tell me what had happened, the day that it happened. She endured another day of sitting beside of and in close proximity to this child, who stole her innocence. She told me what had happened this past weekend. I was so very glad that I had already been prepared to deal with this, from my own experience.

I had several conversations with my baby this summer about private parts staying private, that they were hers only. If a boy or girl wants to show you his or see yours, just say no. That is completely inappropriate, especially at school. This was coupled in with the always tell your teacher, and stranger danger talk. I was a victim of a sexual predator when I was seven. Thank Goodness my Mom had the same talk with me that I have had with my daughter, or else I may have not known to repeatedly refuse my family member's insistence that I cooperate with him. I too have felt that uncomfortable fear, and been scared of the person who took me to that new world where intimidation, inappropriateness and harassment reside. I too have been to that dark place my child. It has well prepared me for how to help you now.

I am brokenhearted for you, my sweet innocent baby. This is something Mommy cannot ever take away. I cannot take away the memory of the boy asking you if you wanted to see his DICK, I cannot take away the new crude word that was insensitively and inappropriately introduced into your vocabulary. I cannot take away that sense of being too scared to tell your Mommy what had happened, and as soon as it happened. I can only comfort and reassure you that you did the right thing in telling me, and reassure you that you did nothing wrong. And I can take care of the issue by going to the school.

A part of my child's innocence has been stolen, and it is your fault Mom. I blame the mother and father of the boy who did this. They did not want to have an "uncomfortable" conversation, or didn't care enough to prepare their child on how to behave properly with other children in a school setting. I am brokenhearted, but I also so angry that I could scream! You do not know what damage can be done to little children's psyches, when this sort of thing happens. Some blow it off, and say kids will be kids. I say educate and prepare your kids, to prevent this sort of thing from happening. It can have long term consequences.

  My 15 year old cousin was babysitting me when I was seven, and I loved and trusted him completely. Then one night he asked me to do him a favor. I said sure. he asked me to lay naked on top of him, suck his dick, or to kiss him like the grown ups do. I knew the first one was bad and wrong. I told him I didn't know what the middle one meant and he kept repeating," yes you do".  I was a good girl too, no I did not! I refused to do anything, I knew they were wrong. He insisted. So he kissed me like the grown ups do and stuck his tongue in my mouth. I screamed and ran to my room, and locked myself in, until my mom and dad returned home. He threatened me that if I told anyone, he would kill my mom and dad.

  As a result, I was a late bloomer, very timid of boys. When I did start having real relationships, I had a really hard time trusting men. After the first one that I trusted broke my heart, it took a long time for me to really open up and trust again. The second time I trusted, years later, I ended up marrying him. While I was in my dating but not trusting phase, I adopted a guys attitude about dating. I used a lot of men, and broke a lot of hearts. I can, in part, say it was due to some deep seated issues with trust, and the female power struggle within me, always wanting to be in control, so no man could hurt me again. So I am brokenhearted for my baby to have to deal with something similar at such a tender young age. But when I told her I understood, that it had happened to me too, we instantly became comrades. She understood that I really and truly understood on a level that no one can understand, unless you have been there.

I was never the same.  I dreaded family functions where I would have to see this cousin, and was introverted to the point of making myself sick to my stomach with worry.  I began using food as a coping mechanism, to self soothe, and to swallow it down and toughen up. Everyone else acted like nothing had ever happened, and so I had to as well.  I will not allow that to happen with my daughter.  I will teach her to be strong, always say no, and that she did nothing wrong. If she needs to talk about it, then we will discuss it.  I will be there for her, and nothing will be swept under the rug. I know exactly what damage even the slightest of sexual harassment can do to a young child, and I will do everything in my power to be there for her and support her in whatever she needs. I can only hope and pray that she suffers no lasting deep seated issues with boys because of your child's actions.

SO to the Mom who did not have the talk with her son, the school will be having the discussion for you.  What was absolutely necessary of you as a parent, is being provided to your son courtesy of the school counselor, because you failed to have an uncomfortable conversation.  Because of your inability to communicate, my daughter has suffered. I pray to God that you are a good person, because I worry about your son also.  I worry about the boy and what he might have to endure at yours or another's hands, that makes him think this behavior is ok.  I worry that he is a latch key kid, and has no adult supervision. He is only five. And he thought that his behavior was acceptable.  Or maybe he knew it wasn't and did it anyway. I have been on my knees a lot these last three days praying for my baby and for your son.

 The Brokenhearted Mom


  1. OMG Ginger. I am so sorry this happened. To both of you. What a horrific nightmare. I have no words.
    She's lucky to have you as a Mom. I hope they change her class or something so she doesn't have to see him every day. UGH.

  2. Wow! I am so sorry for what your daughter and for what you went through. I have a 15-year old and I had this conversation with him at age 8 (because his pediatrician said this was the age to do it). I would have waited until he was much older but my pediatrician said 8 was a good age.

    I do hope that you reported this to the school, in order to protect others and in order for his parents to do something about it now.

    It scares me for my 2.5 year old. Praying for you and your daughter.

  3. That is so sad that something like that happened to your child at such a young age. I am glad it was not more serious (as in like what you experienced). The thing that really worries me when kids do things like that is that I start to wonder if something like that hasn't happened to them to make them think that's ok. Sometimes, it's just curiosity or that they are watching inappropriate things on television. Sometimes, they are being abused sexually and don't know what is appropriate and what is not. And all of these times they certainly need that talk with their parents to tell them what is an is not appropriate. I hope that this boy's parents address the issue properly and I also hope for his sake that nothing more serious is going on.

  4. ;( Education is sooooo important!!! We also tell the girls that if somebody tries to lift your skirt or touch your private parts, KICK THEM!!! (and if my boys *ever* get kicked for trying to touch a girl, good for that girl!!!)

  5. While I'm so thankful and happy that HHH is smart enough to blow the whistle on that shit, I am so sick and tired of the culture that we've got with little boys and little girls. Every mother knows they need to talk to their daughters, to protect them, to prepare them. But why is society in such a way that this is normal? This preparation? Why is it normal to have to warn your daughter that her innocence will probably be taken without her permission, but obviously so abnormal to tell little boys that taking someone's innocence without her permission is WRONG? Why do girls have be on the defensive, from k5 and up? Moms who are saying "I teach my daughters this" should also be saying, truthfully, "And I teach my sons that a girl owns her own body and mind, not you!" Instead of, as this boy's mom obviously did, hope for the best and expect little girls to protect themselves from something that should NEVER EVER have even been an option in the first place!

  6. Thanks for the support guys! Tough situation, but I was pleased with our school's ownership of the problem. He was moved, talked to, and understanding and apologies in abundance! They adore my lil good girl and were horrified that this happened. Funny part is, sexual harrassment training for Kindergarten was already scheduled for Wednesday. Week late and a dollar short!

  7. I cant even begin to feel what you have had to feel!! That situation (both of them) are completely horrible!! I am glad you have a bond that allows her open up to you like that, otherwise who knows how much more worse it could have gotten if no adults would have gotten involved. You are a wonderful mother to have taught her to do the right thing and trust herself to open up to you!

  8. I am so sorry that this happened to your little one and to all the little kids that have things like this happen to them. I know that you are probably feeling so much, sadness, anger, hurt, and everything else.

    You might be right about this boy doing this because his parents did not want to have an uncomfortable talk. However chances are, that is probably not why this happened.

    The very sad truth is that missing out on the talk is probably not why this boy did this. Missing that talk is not what teaches a 5 year old to ask some one to see his dick.
    The more likely story is that he has been exposed to sexuality and thinks this is ok. Maybe his Mom has had this talk with him, but someone is molesting him and so he dose not know who is right. Often when kids are molested at young age they act out like that. They don’t know it is wrong, even if parents tell them it is wrong. Because some evil person is teaching them that it is right.

    I know you are really hurt by what happened to your poor baby girl, it can not be undone.(I wish it could) I am so sorry for that. But I think you might want give a second to think about who the blame should lay with. Maybe it is the mom who did not talk to her 5 year old.. But perhaps this boy is being hurt by someone and needs some one to see that somthing is very wrong and and help him.

    Again I am so sorry this happened to you little one