Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Can We Skip Tomorrow?

   I want to skip tomorrow.  I am heartbroken.  Tomorrow is my 38th birthday.  It will be the first birthday in my life, that I will not hear happy birthday come from my mother's lips.  From the one person who loved me best in all the world, no matter what.  I do not care if I ever celebrate another birthday .  It will never be the same, ever again.  It was always a celebration of me, between me and my mother.  A celebration of us.  Of how close we were, and how special we were to each other.  We always relived funny memories, and she would tell me stories of when I was little.  Funny and cute things I did.  The bond of us, that no one else in the world understood.  I know that she is in a better place with no more pain, yada, yada,yada, but I want her BACK.  I called to maybe get a little piece of her back, to clean out her storage unit, per my father, and was informed that the contents were sold at auction in January.  They did not have a current phone number for any contact on the account.  Just frikkin great.  Just what I needed to hear when it has been all I can do to keep from a full out crying jag the last three days.  So I sit here with tears pouring unchecked down my face, during my daughter's nap time.  Here is a picture of my parents and my daughter.  This was taken the day we went shopping for my daughter's birthday presents.(her birthday is a week after mine)
   I spent the majority of my birthday last year with my mother, my daughter, my father, and my husband. My brother and sister in law were there as well.  We did not know it at the time, but they were already expecting  their first child.  I am also dreading my daughter's birthday and birthday party for the same reason.  It will be the first birthday of my daughter's that her Granny has not celebrated with her.  It will be an awesome party for her, and I will of course be the proud mama, but someone will be missing.  I know some of you may think I am being silly.  My mother always made birthdays special,  Big celebrations, parties, and mama and me time just to remind you how special you were, in case you forgot.  I had the best mother in the world. She made birthdays your special day.  Everything had to be perfect!  It doesn't seem nearly so special this year without her.
   I am heartbroken.  My mother in law is coming to Kentucky for a girls shopping day.  She knows it's gonna be a rough one, because she told my husband that she wants to take me shopping like my mom used to do .  At least I can cry with her.  Bless her heart, she has been there almost every month on the anniversary of my mother's death, the twenty second.  She has been my grief's sounding board.  It has gotten a little bit easier month after month, so at least I don't cry every month on the exact day anymore.  Thank God for her.  She worries about everybody just like my momma did.  She is gonna do her best to keep me busy, and my mind off of why this year is different.  It just sucks so badly.
   You never think about your mother dying.  Even if you did, you could never fathom what this loss is like.  The best way to describe it, is to compare it to one of those nightmares that everybody has, about someone close to you dying.  It is like you are in a waking dream, and you experience every minute of the dream just like its real.  Then whatever happens to the loved one, happens, and you either scream noooooooo, or start crying immediately, and wake up either screaming or in tears.  You sit straight up in bed, and panic, and have to check on or call the loved one you just dreamed about.  Then thankfully, they are okay, and you lay back down.  Except I cannot wake up from this.  She is gone forever.  Most days I am great at dealing, remembering the good memories, and compartmentalizing the pain.  I even went off of my anti-depressants two and a half months ago.  It doesn't get easier, you become better at compartmentalizing the all consuming grief. But now, the closer we get to the day she birthed me, I just cannot keep it in.  The day that God gave me the most wonderful person in the world to be my mother, and the day her little dream came true, 38 years ago. The one person in the world who I shared the true significance of the day of my birth with, is gone. I miss her like crazy.  Every second of every day.  But today I am going to cry until I am all cried out, like the song says.  Maybe I will feel better tomorrow, after getting it all out today.  I will be fine, and when my daughter wakes up, I will pull my big girl panties back up, and clean up the mess.  I just wish tomorrow was leap year, and we could skip it altogether.  Ah well, life goes on. It changes, but it goes on.

1 comment:

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