Wednesday, March 18, 2015

Afraid



I am afraid.
I am afraid to call. 
I am afraid of what I will hear. 
I am afraid of losing her. 
I am afraid to confront my grief.
I am afraid of being alone.
I am afraid of asking someone to be with me because I will have to explain. 
I am afraid she won't make it until the weekend, when I can go to her.
I am afraid she will go before I get to her, but maybe it's better if I don't.
I am afraid that my last visit with her, was my very last.
I am afraid to tell my baby, she's already lost my mom at the tender age of 3.
I am afraid.

I am afraid.
I am afraid of waiting any longer to call. 
I am afraid of waiting.
I am afraid of waking them up, when they all desperately need sleep.
I am desperately afraid to lose the woman who helped me pick up the pieces after my mom died.
I am afraid I will forget.
I am afraid I will not be able to convey her wonderful life and legacy of love in her eulogy.
I am afraid that I don't want to let her go.
I am afraid of life with out her in it.
I am afraid of losing the last person in my direct lineage that has been there for every single moment of my life.
I am afraid.

I am afraid.
I am afraid of losing my second mother.
I am afraid of losing the last person who knows all the moments of my deceased mother's life.
I am afraid of losing my last grandparent.
I am afraid of losing one of my very best friends.
I am afraid of having one less person who loves me unconditionally in the world.
I am afraid of losing the last living piece of my mother.
I am afraid to lose one of the last living pieces of my childhood.
I am afraid that all the dead relatives she is seeing are real.
I am afraid for her, as is she, that when she goes to bed that it will be the last time she lays her   
head down to sleep in this world.
I am afraid that when I spoke to her yesterday, that it will be the last time.
I am afraid that when she told me goodbye yesterday, that she meant it.
I am afraid that she knows.
I am afraid to lose my Nana.
I am afraid.



3 comments:

  1. Oh, my darling. I wish I could be there right now to hug you and tell you that, yes, in the beginning, as you well know, it's awful. The heart-wrenching emotions are horrible. But remember that beautiful daughter. Remember your wonderful husband. Hold on to your dad. And don't forget that your mom will be there, with you always, welcoming your grandmother, and holding you up as you grieve. I'm here if you need to call or email.

    Sending you much love!

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  2. That is an amazing piece. I found you via warm addict on Facebook and so glad I did except that my mascara is running by 9 am.

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  3. Oh my heart I have lived through this pain and I understand the loss of a Mom and Grandma that formed you into who you are today. I'm saddened for you and at the sane time proud that you were able to write this beautifully profound prose. ❤️

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